I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
its liver damage thursday
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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