On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
