You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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