Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
