I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
