I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
