you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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