Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
