My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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