I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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