thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
there was a trapeze. enough said
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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