I will die if light touches me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
