come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
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