Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
