Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
They are going to name an STD after you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Did you pee in the oven last night??
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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