The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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