someone threw a dead crab at me
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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