She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
