we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
