Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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