Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
