I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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