i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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