mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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