she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
