too bad you live with your parents still
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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