happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
