Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
