I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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