we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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