i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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