his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
