hotel room ftw
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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