It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
