i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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