There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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