Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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