i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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