college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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