Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
