I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
