just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
