...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
