guys are not supposed to queef...right?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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