last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
