I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
