and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
