My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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