I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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