im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
